Acceptance

Accepting the reason you haven’t felt yourself is because you have a chronic illness there is no cure for is…. Difficult.

I’m still working on accepting that I have fibromyalgia and will for the rest of my life. Though I think I’ll start hoping for a miracle cure in the next 20 years.

This last week or so has been full of realizations. All different kinds. I’ve cried a few times too.

1. If I’m having a good day I shouldn’t procrastinate.
2. Now I know why I stopped eating tomato soup.
3. Now I know why I always need to shower after a haircut.
4. It’s ok to admit you’re in pain.
5. Admitting you’re in pain is easier than trying to ignore it.

I’m trying really hard to start good habits now…. And not feel guilty for being horrible to be around cause I wasn’t well before.

Labeling the Pain

Tags

caffeine intolerance, fibromyalgia, health, mental-health

Monday – 4 days ago – I had my follow up with the rheumatologist. She diagnosed me with fibromyalgia. She also happened to deliver her diagnosis in a way that you might tell your significant other/partner that someone needs to get milk on the next trip to the grocery store. Other than her somewhat – odd – bedside manner – she’s a great doctor. (I finally know how to spell fibromyalgia. I think. I will by the end of this blog post.)

I have taken time off of work because this has rocked my world and I’ve needed time to process….and because I’ve been kicking my caffeine habit. Sidenote: It’s a little weird that I learn about my caffeine intolerance and start working on kicking the caffeine habit BEFORE I find out about the fibromyalgia and that caffeine is bad for fibromyalgia. Anyways. This is day 6 of no caffeine and the second day of not having a migraine because of eliminating the caffeine.

Looking back, I’m not sure when the pain got bad. I feel like I haven’t been myself for most of the year. But there have been a few periods where I was able to catch my breath and try to get back to normal. Looking back at my blog, April was a VERY bad month and I’m pretty sure January was too. I have had a few realizations this week but, before I get to those…. Fibromyalgia sucks. I sure as hell did not seek the diagnosis out. However, it’s not RA, or Lupus, so things could be worse! On top of that, I’m not really surprised by the diagnosis based on my general sensitivities, intolerances and food allergies.

Most importantly, I now have a label for the pain I have been experiencing for I’m not sure how long, probably close to a year. I have a label for the weird feelings or things I’ve been dealing with for over a year. Like, the days when my clothes hurt…. figured it was my allergies. Nope, it’s my brain!

Because, you see, being able to label the pain I’ve been experiencing means that I can acknowledge the pain exists. I can acknowledge the pain is not going anywhere (that sucks yup. But calling yourself weak because you’re in pain other people don’t experience is worse.). I was consciously ignoring the bad feelings and hoping they would go away. I don’t need to do that. Ignoring the pain and hoping it will go away takes way more energy than accepting the pain is there and not going anywhere. Then instead of spending energy wishing it will magically go away? I can work on making it not as bad.

I’ve done a lot of learning this week. Reading The Spoon Theory was life changing. It’s a great way to explain why some days are great and some days are total shit. You don’t get the same number of spoons every day. I shared it with a friend who has RA and she was surprised how well it applied to life. She also shared with me how she copes with pain. Acknowledging the pain exists means you can put it on the back burner and then move on with life. I like her metaphor too.

Building on her metaphor – I think this applies really well to life. Anyone with chronic pain automatically has one less burner to cook dinner with than someone without chronic pain. The severity of the pain experienced is illustrated by how full that pot on the back burner is. Really bad days means that pot is threatening to boil over, even on a simmer, any minute of the day. Good days mean there’s little threat of the pot to boil over since it’s on a simmer. But, like everyone knows, that is open flame, (we have a gas stove), so you still need to be attentive.

Now where was I? Besides distracted?

All of this has helped my sanity, but it’s not enough. Per my rheumatologist’s recommendation, I’m also trying cymbalta. Hopefully it will my brain. Finding this little bit about chronic pain and the brain helped me figure out more too. I’m still trying to figure out how much exercise is enough and how much is too much. I’ve done some reading so I know I need to start slow.

Last night is the first night of sleep I’ve had since I don’t know when where I actually felt like I got a full night of restful sleep. I’m assuming both eliminating caffeine and adding the cymbalta have helped this. Next thing to do is look up sleep stages. I think I learned about them like 8 years in a PSY 101 class. I should have a review.

Besides the exercising and doing some more learning on my own I have to find a support group. Something where I can see other people, not something online.

I will own my health.

Now I’m going to knit something light weight because my hands are tender.

Baking! Cookies!

My feet hurt… But I don’t mind because it’s from standing in the kitchen making cookies. Not only did I feel well enough -  no migraines – no sick – no allergic reactions – to bake but I managed to be smart about it too. It’s amazing how much easier it is to bake cookies if you have a stand mixer AND measure out most ingredients before you start mixing.

Furthermore, everything I made is guaranteed free of anything I’m allergic to. Thank you Enjoy Life foods and Sunbutter.

It’s surprisingly hard to find a chocolate chip cookie recipe that doesn’t have something extra in it – like espresso powder – or nuts. Martha Stewart has a very good recipe though. I’ll use it again.

House of Cards

I’ll try to keep this spoiler free. We’re watching the fifth episode of this show and it is awesome. The characters are strong. The modernization of the story seems well done. People use their cell phones as a natural part of the show! The paper is losing readership. Twitter is recognized. Burner cell phones. I’m curious how the original story and characters were too. Like the owner of the paper. Wow.

Zoe is such a strong independent intelligent WOMAN. Kevin Spacey has done an excellent job. I’m a little amazed. More by the author whose work this is based on… Or something/someone else. I’m also curious to know how much money Netflix spent on House of Cards.

I hope this show causes enough of a buzz that Netflix does this again.

My knitting project box really should have a latch

Bad cell phone pictures ahead. Ignore the quality…and the laundry baskets.

So, I walked in the door this afternoon and was greeted by cats.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is quite normal, but there was also another sight. One of those things that every crafty person doesn’t want to come home or wake up to. One of those things every knitter doesn’t want to ever see. I took a deep breath so I could stop the mental string of OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG from even getting up full speed, pulled out my phone and started taking pictures. (Especially since I’d come home alone and my husband wasn’t around to see it.) ….So of course I follow the yarn! From the kitchen….

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then the living room where I found my dumped project box.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The kittens probably charged through and knocked it over…and I think it ended up further into the middle of the floor last night after I put away the last thing I was knitting… Here I took mental note of what was missing/not missing. I was glad to see only 1 bit of yarn that was amiss. What’s up with cats and sock yarn? And fuzzy yarn? And moving yarn? And that thing in the bottom right corner of the picture? I think that’s a cat. But, you see, the yarn continues!

Two more pictures.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s like the cats are following me, laughing. Like I said, ignore the laundry baskets.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

See how the yarn is wrapped around the foot of the bed frame?

I ended up with little damage done. The yarn dragged about wasn’t an actual project, I had 8 stitches cast on 1 needle. I might have to trim the yarn off that one because it got frayed up quite a bit, but I have enough for my intended project. The sock yarn that was chewed on was actually the end of the yarn, not the middle of the ball! There are worse things to clean up.

Why health insurance in the US needs fixed, reason 24664335789

Or, Cigna sucks.

In no particular order:

Points to share in an email to the CEO of the wonderful corporation I’m a fucking team member of….

- Health insurance illustrates a company’s social policy, look to employee policies to see how a corporation really truly feels about the employees
- Employee health – need insurance that doesn’t leave employee’s afraid to go to the doctor
- Since bottom line is so important… Missed work
- Communication with understanding of the employee’s position – not just information providing
- Discrimination against people who have health problems they have no control over – and don’t even mention morale.
- Other human resources policies reflect company’s interest and understanding of employee and family and health – like not being able to carry over much PTO – which is a great way to prepare for maternity leave
- Did you really actually think this insurance change was beneficial to employees? Was research done? Objectively?
- How much was saved in cost for the company by switching insurance?
- Human resources can’t respond to an email in less than a month
- Cigna communication is stressful and patronizing – statement about saving money received same day I get a bill for more than what I saved.

Knitting Projects Updated – ANOTHER POST!

In giving my blog some love I caught the old post with projects from last summer.

Old list:

Current projects:
1. Socks for me in green tea - completed
2. Socks for me in disaster at the Drycleaners - still waiting
3. Red shawl for my mom – no deadline – completed/gifted
4. Askew in looks like rain – moves pretty quick – on hold
5. Fingerless gloves in purple that might work as a gift – attempting to improve on style I want – frogged
6. Racing stripe scarf for hub – by the time it’s cold? – completed/gifted
7. Shiny rainbow shawl in different lines – unknown if will be a gift – frogged
8. Stripe study in blue/black – but I haven’t worked on this for so long and I’m not sure I did switching colors so well, tempted to frog it – going to frog
9. Purple shawl in crazy yarn started for SIL, might need restarted, could be for Christmas – successfully restarted, finished, gifted

Planned
1. BSJ for coworker, their baby is due in September – completed/gifted
2. More sock weight socks for me for slip on shoes – have the yarn
3. Worsted weight pair of socks for hub – not yet, it’s been warm this winter
4. Sweater top for me – still planned

adding to planned:

1. lace
2. large shawl – like 1000 yards or more large
3. more interesting socks

Give the blog some love and create a poll

I decided to do some blog updating and give the blog some some love in general. I updated the header image and also checked out the settings to see what else you can do on a free wordpress blog. (I do want to have this on my own domain, SOME DAY!) A poll asking people what kind of food allergies they have seemed like a good one to start with. It’s more interesting than asking people if they have a college degree, right?

Note to self, you listening self?

So I believe that everything that has happened to me makes me who I am. Everything.

The fact that I had three foster families before age 5 is part of who I am. The fact that I cut myself off and on again for like five years is also part of who I am. These things, respectively, help me appreciate people’s experiences with families and cause me to be more empathetic of the pain caused by internal conflict. Among other things, obviously. Baggage is a bitch but it’s still just baggage.

Therefore, that means food allergies are part of who I am too. Even migraines. Even migraines that last 4 days and rebound on the 5th day.That’s life it’s all or nothing.

But that doesn’t mean I have to listen to the maniacal little voice in the back of my brain that likes to go through what if or worst case scenarios. That just means I have to accept that I have to take the necessary (and healthy) steps towards telling that voice, “shut up bitch, I’m too busy for you!”

Taxes & this WSJ graphic with the made up people

Tags

taxes, WSJ

I find this horrible graphic so horrible I’ve decided to list the problems I have with it.

1. All the people are sad. If I was making six figures a year I would not be sad. Technically the clip art people don’t even need to be here. With out the illustrations there could be more data, which leads me to #2 on the list.

2. It’s misleading. Based on the mention of deductions they are actually referring to Adjusted Gross Income but just say Income.

3. Why is there race here? It’s not necessary. The single person appears to be vaguely Asian and the retired couple is Black. Was the Wall Street Journal afraid to make the single parent Black? Is that why she’s blonde?

4. The Wall Street Journal must sit in some kind of interesting niche as far as its readers go. On what did they base these examples? I seriously doubt the average family with two parents is going to have FOUR kids. In 2005, before the economy got even worse, $167,000 and up was the top 5% of household income distribution.

5. How did these pretend people make so much in investment income when the market is still so volatile? I have a very small amount of investments in stock as well as rather small IRA, I’ve seen both lose lots of money in the past 5 years, like a roller coaster.

6. The household median income in the U.S. from 2007 to 2011 was $52,762. This is not even in the same tax bracket as the lowest income pictured here ($180,000). Furthermore, from 2010 to 2011, income inequality increased. (page 10)

7. What percent of retired couples actually have income over $100,000, let alone at $180,000?

8. What about people in poverty? Doesn’t the Wall Street Journal think its readers should be informed? In 2011, that meant, officially, 46.2 million people were living in poverty. (page 13)

9. The Wall Street Journal caters to the top ten percent of our country, obviously a very specific class of people. In 2011, 9.1% of households in the country had income of $150,000 or higher. (page 31)

10. I have no interest in reading the Wall Street Journal even though I’m rather well educated with my bachelor of arts and masters of science. My education makes me one of the 28.2% with a bachelor’s degree or higher in this country – as of 2007-2011. I did graduate with my masters in 2011 and received my bachelors in 2009. Also, I researched these statistics in less than a hour while writing this post so it would definitely not be hard for an employee of the Wall Street Journal to find the same information. This is one of the powers of the Internet. Just one.

11. Finally, this entire graphic looks like it’s relying on scare tactics. “If these people are sad, what is it going to do to me?”

Why Whole Foods needs to train their employees on food allergies

Tags

food allergies, groceries, life, marriage

or: Why Chopped Beef is Vague Terminology

other titles include:

“Why people with food allergies must always be vigilant of everything related to their food” or “why people who are supportive to people with (multiple) food allergies are awesome” or “Why my husband is my hero” or “Why grocery stores that supply prepared food need to be better about identifying all ingredients” or “Even the grocery store can be stressful when you have food allergies”

Ok. So. I’m going to talk about my food allergies, if you don’t care, stop reading, go up to the top of your browser and close the page, continue on with life.

My husband and I went to Whole Foods after work on the way home for some light grocery shopping. We do this often. We decided to get food at Whole Foods for dinner, this happens depending on what’s available. I got to what I’d call the “barbecue counter” if I was me – and I am – and found out they still had baked potatoes. So I ordered a baked potato with chopped beef. I also gathered up a small salad at the salad bar. My husband collected much of our other purchases because my foot was sore and throbbing. No one wants to walk all over the grocery store on a sore throbbing foot.

We get home, we’re putting away groceries, you know. Like you do. I explain to my husband what I purchased for dinner. A baked potato with chopped beef. He asked “Brisket?” No, I explained the beef with the sauce. Not brisket. I elaborated, pointing out how I thought all the meat at the barbecue counter was safe for me to eat. He said no, the chopped beef has Austin’s own barbecue sauce in it which has Worcestershire sauce in it. Worcestershire sauce commonly has fish in it so it’s off-limits for me.

Mentally I sigh and remind myself to be calm. Because I was tired and hungry and didn’t remember to bend over and check the very small print of the ingredients card I didn’t see that I shouldn’t have ordered the chopped beef which has the sauce in it. I was just happy to get a baked potato I guess?

So we debate and come up with options:

1. remove the beef and chance the potato, but the potato has also started soaking up the juices/sauces/etc so that’s not really a great option.

2. get something out of the pantry which would be canned soup or a cold sandwich or a noodle bowl like I had for lunch yesterday, none of these are all that fantastic either

3. just eating the salad is not a legitimate answer because it’d leave me hungry later

4. Call Whole Foods and try to get the ingredients

So phone number to Whole Foods found I call and ask to speak to someone at the barbecue counter. I get transferred. I explain I just purchased a potato with chopped beef and I’d like to know the ingredients of the chopped beef – not the brisket. I explain that by the words barbecue counter I mean hot food. I explain I just purchased it and want to know the ingredients. The girl puts me on hold. She comes back and says “Yes we still have some available.”  I’m thinking, “SERIOUSLY!?!?!? REALLY???” and just say Thanks and hang up. After I hang up I explain to my husband, “I give up, the conversation went from me asking what the ingredients are to yes they have some available.” He (rather calmly) asks for the phone and calls himself. He confirms the present of Austin Own’s barbecue sauce. So, because it’s 2013 I go look up Austin’s Own barbecue sauce on the Internet. They have a website. However they have no food allergy information and do not provide a transparent explanation of ingredients. (I filled out the Contact Us form asking that they post food allergy information on their website.)

Then my husband offers to go out to Jason’s Deli and get me a potato so I can still have a potato. I agree, because that sounds like a fabulous idea. I check the Jason’s Deli website and also ask that he order a cup of beef stew if it’s available since Jason’s Deli has all food allergy information (the major eight) as part of the nutritional information on their site.

So, because:

1. for a split second I wasn’t ever vigilant and missed one ingredients label

2. Austin Own’s doesn’t have a full ingredient list or food allergy information posted online

3. Whole Food’s employees seem to be mostly ignorant of food allergies (beyond other things like how to properly hold a knife when slicing meat)

4. chopped beef may or may not be beef with barbecue sauce

I got to send my husband back out into the cold so I could have a hot meal for dinner that didn’t come out of a can and I feel stupid. Ultimately I feel stupid because I forgot to read just one label. I’m so grateful he offered and was willing to go back out in the cold and get me dinner – before eating his own.

NaMoWriMo 2012: What I learned

Let’s keep this simple shall we? How about a list? In no particular order, what I learned from my first – successful – attempt at NaMoWriMo.

1. When your background is research, theory, or policy papers in an academic setting, fiction is hard. Fiction means you use as many words as you want to. Describing is more nebulous than getting your point across in a clear fashion.
2. I spend a lot of time watching tv shows or looking at random stuff on the Internet. I don’t have to do that.
3. It is worthwhile to prioritize your free time.
4. Somewhat self imposed deadlines are damned useful. Especially if you buy yourself a t-shirt when you meet the deadline! Or reward yourself with bright fuzzy yarn.
5. Writing can be done, even when you’re exhausted and just want to go to bed.
6. Writing can be done when you’re feeling like the world has been shitting on your head.
7. Writing is fun. If you let it be fun.
8. Just like everything else, you need to find the right tools for the job. (I <3 Scrivener.)
9. I would like to write regularly. I don’t know if this should be blog posts, short stories, or another novel.
10. 2000 words is a lot in one day when you have to go to the real job too.
11. Just because you can use your own life, self, or close and personal friends for inspiration or basis for your story doesn’t mean you’ll like it when you’re done.
12. My book didn’t turn out quite like I expected.
13. I can write plot. (I didn’t say I could write plot well, I just didn’t think I could write plot before.)
14. I don’t like writing chronologically or in any other kind of order. With the right tools I don’t have to.
15. It’s really cool to say: “I finished writing a book today, what did you do?”
16. Inspiration might come at interesting times. Other times inspiration might leave you crying in a corner, or wake you up at 7 am on a Saturday.
17. I want to do this again.
18. I can write while sick. It might not work well, but if words happen, does it really matter?
19. The first draft is the first draft is the first draft, no matter what you’re writing about.
20. I think if I wrote more regularly it would be easier to write more in a fixed period of time.
21. When it’s fiction, do whatever the hell you want. Seriously. Make up shit! It’s ok!
22. Editing has a time and place. When you’re trying to get the story out on paper? No editing. When you’re trying make it better? Editing is fabulous!
23. If I spend a month doing a lot of writing, I will miss knitting.
24. Some people will think writing for the sake if writing and not for the sake of sharing is crAzy.
25. I should balance tv and reading out a little more. Sometimes my book felt like the plot to a tv show. Or maybe that’s just because it was a little cheesy and predictable and I should watch as much tv and read as much as I want?
26. I couldn’t have completed NaMoWriMo 2012 without some support.
27. Writing buddies are good when there’s a deadline.
28. It’s ok to use random stuff or people in the Internet for inspiration.
29. You do not need to name a character to continue writing about the character. You can name the character LATER.
30. It’s a really cool feeling to be aware that hundreds and thousands more other people in the world are doing what you’re doing.
31. The No excuses part was hard sometimes.
32. It’s ok to add in silly stuff to pad your word count, or add one more to your list. After all, life has silly stuff too.